Post Thyroidectomy: Depression Marches On

The first couple of weeks after my total thyroidectomy we thought maybe the depression was lifting, but my body soon realized there was no longer a thyroid and my hypothyroidism symptoms started to kick in including depression, but this time it was different. I wasn't frantic, but I had a hard time sleeping and was tired all day. I also had horrible nightmares that kept me up in the middle of the night. I spent most days napping. It slowly morphed into its current state. I have a few good days here and there, but for the most part I am still tired usually laying down for a nap at least once a day alongside my four year old. Some days he doesn't need a nap, but I still do! I went from crying daily to crying, well…less often. I lack motivation and my self worth is pretty low although I am trying to work through that. I even started seeing a counselor. I also have had a lack of interest in things I use to enjoy. My memory is a jumbled mess, but whether that's due to the hypothyroidism or depression is beyond me. Either way, it's a pain. Overall I just prefer to be home. I don't like feeling lonely, but for the most part I do virtually all the time even when people are around. Although recently being around others has distracted me at times so that has been a nice change. Daily duties often feel overwhelming and doing things beyond those feels impossible at times. Since the beginning of this "ordeal" I have gained at least 35lbs which is 27lbs heavier then I have ever been in my life and this has added to my low self esteem. When it comes to weight loss I have maybe worked out 20 times in 2 years. My husband doesn't understand why I can not get motivated to workout. The answer is there is no lack of motivation like that which comes from depression! You don't even feel like you CAN do it. Putting one foot in front of the other feels like work you're not sure you can even do, let alone exercise! It takes a rare day in which I have energy for me to pull out the workout clothes and the worse thing about it is you feel guilty about it everyday. Unfortunately that gets you no closer to being the person you used to be. The one who worked out 5 to 6 days a week for 3 straight years. Depression makes me feel stuck. I had cancer and had my doctor not found it when he did, it could have spread beyond my lymph nodes to my other organs. This is a life changing experience that should have me living each day to its fullest, but instead I just…exist…from one day to the next. It's no way to live for me, my kids or my husband! Can you imagine living with a depressed person for 2 years. It must feel like you are walking on quicksand just trying not to get sucked into the abyss of their depression. My husband and I have had our struggles. Luckily we have communicated enough that we are checking in with each other and I am doing my best to brighten my mood when it's possible. My kids are surely feeling it in ways they don't know, but I find comfort in the fact that they seem oblivious to it for the most part. They are still young.

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